personal – Beltainefaerie's Flights of Fancy

This is my first real fandom space despite being a tumblr old, but I still understand the purges. When I lost my LiveJournal I lost all my personal posts of every private journal entry I’d made along the journey from frustrated housewife to fulfilled polyamorous teacher, every scene I’d ever had with my Master as well as processing the first Sir I had (who turned out not just to have a dick but to be dick, which is a whole other story I had processed there). The terror and delight at finding my way back to submission. Every scene I ever topped in was written up in there as well as every time I submitted and let go. The weeks of waiting for our gf to get her STI screenings from her doctor so we could really play. I still have my memories of those times, but without much clarity because the intersection of ADD with anxiety and depression means that my memory is pretty sucky. When I read those entries, I could for a moment be back in the exact headspace I was when I wrote them. Good for most of those things, not so great for the posts I wrote when in a self-harm space, but nonetheless I do miss being able to read all these things sometimes. However, I have gone on to build other things. I am sad but I am also resigned. if this all blows away, I will rebuild somewhere new.

Today I have had a grumpy fight with a ten year old about washing his damn hair, a battle over tooth brushing with the same ten year old, so you know bracketing my day with fights over hygiene is just spiffy. I’ve spent 8 hours over the last 24 hours working on a project that isn’t finished yet and I needed yesterday. I’ve had a three year old run away from me and onto a baseball field during practice then I got to field Santa questions in front of the 3 year old. By bed time, one kid wants to sleep with the lights on. The other can’t sleep unless the lights are off. I’ve cried a lot. I’ve eaten too much fast food. My shoulders ache. My ankles feel swollen. I’m on the edge of tears again. I’m so fucking overwhelmed by everything I need to get done this week. I’m a fucking mess.

and I just want to write but nothing is coming.

my 2 year old calls the round orange and white droid from star wars “baby eight” and it is making me giggle.

really struggling right now. Ive always been fat except right after doing jenny craig from 4-6th grade. (yep I begged to do a diet like that while still a CHILD)

In my early 30s I had finally accepted living in the body I’ve got. Was finally happy in my skin. then I got pregnant again, lost the baby, got pregnant again and had gestational diabetes. I’ve gained even more weight, depression isn’t helping, and I have to go in for a prediabetes class today. I’m bitter that my family doesn’t have diabetes, everyone is fat and when I had found self love I feel like I suddenly got whomped with what society thinks fat people deserve. My cholesteral: fine. My blood pressure? low side of good, but probably diabetic or leaning towards it.
I can’t help feeling like now doctors are going to take away all the food I like just like my mom did when I was getting too fat as a child. fuck this.

I wrote everyday this year until May and posted at least twice a month. May was really busy with finishing up the school year and my 2year old’s birthday. Instead of beating myself up over failing at my new year’ s resolution, I am going with ‘on average’ as my standard. I posted 4 things in April, so on average I’ve still posted twice a month when my goal was only once a month. Yay positive self-talk. Now I’m going to go write something.

I fell asleep on the couch last night with a giant headache. I swear no one has had sex in ages. I am writing porn right now and usually that is just a fun thing to do but right now I’m like damn when do I get to be wiith my girl again? The week since I’ve been home, we have been so busy and stressed that we are never home and awake at the same time while the kids are gone or asleep. Uuuuugh I hate it when we are all out of alignment.