A Midsummer Night’s Dream: Fairy divorce court causes everything in the vicinity to go to hell, briefly.
A Comedy of Errors: Don’t give your twins the same name. Seriously don’t.
As You Like It: No one actually likes anything that is occurring. Especially not Jaques.
Twelfth Night: Local pageboy causes everyone to catch Gay Feelings. Also multiple shipwrecks.
Much Ado About Nothing: Random bastard decides to cause problems for literally no reason other than because he is a dick.
Two Gentlemen of Verona: One gentleman is not actually a gentleman, he’s a grade-A turdwaffle.
Love’s Labors Lost: Four friends’ attempts to swear off love go about as well as you would expect
The Merry Wives of Winsor: SO I HEAR U LIKE FALSTAFF??
The Taming of the Shrew: Sometimes the best cure for a mean wife is just straight-up sexism. (Actually no wtf why)
All’s Well That Ends Well: Nothing is well and it ends kinda shittily, too.
The Merchant of Venice: Apparently the entire population of Venice is either dumb, shitty, or Portia. Or Jessica.
Measure for Measure: Undercover Boss: Vienna Edition
Richard II: Local king forced to actually face consequences for his actions. Doesn’t like it much.
Henry IV part 1: TURN DOWN FOR WHAT interluded by existential kingly guilt. Also Hotspur
Henry IV part 2: The boring part because no Hotspur and no TURN DOWN FOR WHAT. Just guilt and guys with stupid names.
Henry V: Fun manly bonding as France gets fucked over
Henry VI part 1: Let’s Screw France Part 2 feat. Joan of Arc
Henry VI part 2: A bunch of murders and Everything Has Gone to Shit Now nice job breaking it, Henry.
Henry VI, part 3: YORK YORK YORK YORK also a bunch of murders, part 2.
Richard III: Once there was a Duke of Gloucester. He was so ugly that everyone died. The End
Henry VIII: You’d think think the betrayal of a queen and befuckening of the church would be really non-boring but you would be wrong
King John: No one knows what’s happening. Not me, not you, certainly not Johnny. I guess an entire king dies or something idk
Romeo and Juliet: Local teenage fling ends in six deaths and a banishment. Authorities are baffled
Macbeth: If you don’t sleep you become a murderer I don’t make the rules also if witches are nearby… you’re fucked.
Hamlet: Danish prince should have just called Ghostbusters
Othello: And you thought your racist coworker was a pain in the ass
King Lear: Local shitty dad amazed that all his kids turned out shitty. How could this happen.
Julius Caesar: Fun male bonding exercise devolves into civil war and multiple accounts of suicide
Antony and Cleopatra: Two-year fling devolves into civil war and multiple accounts of suicide
Coriolanus: Local war devolves into civil war and – just kidding it’s actually about Coriolanus ruining everything by being unable to shut his piehole for two seconds
Timon of Athens: Don’t Have Friends: A Cautionary Tale
Titus Andronicus: Blood, death, murder, death, human sacrifice, rape, death, dismemberment, cannibalism, death, and a partridge in a pear tree
Troilus and Cressida: Title characters are actually the most boring part of the play
Pericles: It’s like a fairy tale except less magic and more nonsense. And brothels I guess idk
Cymbeline: Twenty three different plot lines and none of them go anywhere
The Winter’s Tale: Local asshole king fucks with nature so NATURE FUCKS RIGHT BACK
The Tempest: The heartwarming tale of a wizard, his weird magical bird slave, his daughter, a drunk fish guy, some murderers, and a whole lot of wood gathering
best damn description of ‘Love’s Labour’s Lost’ I’ve ever seen
Seeing John Mulaney do his ‘Robot Test’ bit has given me a strong desire to see him play a live action Riddler.
But not like, as any character other than John Mulaney? Like, let’s make a John Mulaney version of Edward Nigma. Just this socially awkward disaster man who somehow becomes a supervillain because of a misunderstanding he couldn’t correct without ‘seeming rude’. And now supposedly he’s committed to killing Batman but he doesn’t actually want to be the cause of a man’s death so he just obfuscates things with ‘clues’ and ‘riddles’ and ‘battles of wits’ until Batman inevitably defeats him and he’s just like ‘oh thank god please don’t hit me’.
Batman’s like ‘you need help Nigma’ and he’s just like ‘yeah that’s fair, I should probably look into seeing somebody at this point, I became a supervillain because of social anxiety and that might just be a red flag you know?’
“Hey, Batman, think you’ve seen everything, huh? Well, figure out how to deal with this! You know Gotham General Hospital? Yeah? Well you’ll never guess what I let loose in there!”
“Riddle me this, what has four hooves and presents a massive health and safety violation?”
Millennial Sisyphus keeps entering all the information from his resume into the web form, only for it to delete everything when he tries to move to the next page. He just goes back and types it all up again, over and over again, forever, and he never gets a job.
Millennial Tantalus has been promised that his unpaid internship will become a paid position as soon as the company has space for him. Every week he sees their new job posting. Every week he asks his boss if he can have a real job. The boss shrugs apologetically and says he’ll just have to make do with being paid in experience a little longer. He goes back and keeps working, over and over again, forever, and he never reaches the fruits of his labors.
Millennial Persephone can’t get a job without a degree, but because she had to take out loans to pay for college, she must spend 1/3 of her life working just to pay them off.
Millennial Cassandra’s title is Social Media Coordinator, she was hired to be the expert, but every time she tries to explain the problems in her company’s social media decisionmaking, the managers don’t listen…and end up hiring expensive PR flacks to repair the damage to their reputation when things blow up exactly as she predicted.
Millennial Medusa uses multiple shades of primer and opaque foundation to cover the scars snaking across her face, hiding the bruises, aligning the asymmetry in her broken nose and jaw. Red matte on the lips, green shimmer on the lids. Flawless liner on the first try. She’s had lots and lots of practice. She films her transformation in secret for all to see and learn, and again, men are turned to anonymous stone faces screaming in horror. “Liar!” “Witch!” “Take her swimming on the first date!” These words do not discourage her. These words are a challenge. GlamGorgonXx posts another video.
Millennial Prometheus uploads another PDF to his site. He’s lost track of the printing and edition of this textbook. He knows they just rearranged some of chapters then charge 150 dollars per copy, and the professor wrote the book himself. the ZIP fills uploads successfully, and he starts uploading the next one. He isn’t afraid of the potential lawsuit. knowledge shouldn’t held out of reach like this.
Millennial Circe screenshots all the lewd messages she gets from men on online dating sites and posts them on her very popular Instagram along with their pictures and usernames. When people accuse her of attempting to destroy their reputations, she insists she’s just revealing them for the pigs they truly are.
Millennial Odysseus is starting to suspect there’s something wrong with his GPS…
look if movies being like 2.5 hours long is just gonna be the norm from now on then we gotta bring back intermissions. please let me piss.
There is legit an app called “RunPee” that tells you when you can get up and go pee without missing anything important. You hit the timer when the movie starts and then it vibrates when you can make a pee run. It even gives you a little summary of what you missed that you can read while you pee.
Reblogging to save lives
Oh my god I need this
It will also tell you if there’s an after credits scene
Beltainefaerie's Flights of Fancy 