“Jolene, you’re so beautiful, Jolene, you’re so perfect, Jolene, your voice is just like the sound of summer rain, don’t mind me I’m just going to sublimate my anxiety about clearly being super in love with you into anxiety about my boyfriend, who is basically a featureless blob in this song that I wrote ostensibly about my love for him that’s really all about you, Jolene”
Thank god someone else sees it. Almost 2000 someones.
Jolene, don’t take my man. TAKE ME INSTEAD.
Tag: lol
so i’m riding the elevator up to my apartment when the emergency phone in the elevator starts ringing
and i just stand there for a second because this thing is like thirty years old and has never rung or even been used from what i know
but eventually i answer it thinking maybe something’s wrong with the elevator?? it’s an emergency phone it’s probably an emergency??? i dunno
except i shit you not it’s a telemarketer
a telemarketer that’s as confused as i am when i finally interrupt him mid-spiel to inform him he has the wrong number and then interrupt him again to explain further that “uh, no, seriously, this is an elevator phone. i’m standing in an elevator. talking to you. on the emergency phone. i really think you got the wrong number”
“oh,” says telemarketer guy.
“yeah,” i say.
there’s some mutually-confused silence.
“so, this is my stop,” i say. “i gotta go.”
“oh,” says telemarketer guy.
“good luck,” i add, because telemarketer guy seems like he’s having an existential crisis. and then i hang up on him, because he’s having an existential crisis and won’t actually end the call, and because again i’m talking on an elevator emergency phone and, you know, this is my stop, i gotta go.
Tumblr, your ad algorithm is broken. Searching for “military kink” does not mean I want to see ads related to applying for VA benefits.
Stuff My Dad Said During Hamilton (Act 2)
What’d I Miss: This guy sounds like a pompous asshole.
Cabinet Battle #1: That’s that line you like. The shoe fitting one. You’ve said that too much…
Take A Break: Where’s the third sister? Did she die? Is she okay?
Say No To This: …damn…just…damn…
The Room Where It Happens: I want to feel bad for Burr but he’s reminding me of those ‘try too hard’ kids. Like you.
Schuyler Defeated: I knew he was gonna turn into a huge dick.
Cabinet Battle #2: He sounds like you did in kindergarten. “He was my friend first!” I think you said that word for word.
Washington On Your Side: LANGUAGE!
One Last Time: If only he had known what was going to happen to our country…
I Know Him: And here comes the other George.
The Adams Administration: Spiteful little dude…
We Know: Snitches get stitches.
Hurricane: This guy’s life kinda sucks…
The Reynolds Pamphlet: No one ruining your life? Don’t worry! Ruin your own…apparently.
Burn: If only she had actually burned him. Like. Revenge bitch.
Blow Us All Away: Oh yeah mini Hamiltons.
Stay Alive (Reprise): Does…Does everyone die? (Me: Eventually) Okay there’s no need for smart ass comments.
It’s Quiet Uptown: I’m now in like…a state of hurt and anger and…how?
Election Of 1800: That first note actually scared me…
Your Obedient Servant: Hamilton’s disrespect? Doesn’t Burr call his mom a whore every five songs?
Best Of Wives And Best Of Women: I’ve never been more emotionally hurt by a musical…
The World Was Wide Enough: Ah yes. I shall call this Act, “Stab You In The Heart Repeatedly”.
Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story: …who the fuck is telling Peggy’s story?
Andy Serkis reading Trump tweets as Gollum is pure genius.
I cannot breeeeeeeeeeeeeathe!
😊
LMFAO!!!!! HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
What a time to be alive!! I love that he got into full gollum mode and crouched in the chair.
“What is covfefe, precious?”
Explain a movie plot badly
Be kind or pretty soon a piece of clothing will be your only friend
Context: I’m a new DM playing with a small group of veteran D&Ders (consisting of a high-elf Ranger, a Dragonborn warrior and literal cat? cleric), and they suggested that we do a small series of one-offs to get me used to being a DM. We’re in our third one, which is based off the C’thulhu mythos, and they’re about to face off with Nyarlathotep when this happens.
Me: Okay, you find your way to Nyarlathotep’s chapel and as you enter, you hear his voice in your head saying, “Ah, my sacrifices have arrived.”
Ranger: What does he look like?
Me: Knowledge check that.
Ranger: *rolls an 18*
Me: You remember he is described as a tall, swarthy, sinister man, looking as if he had just walked out of Egypt. Dark skin, dark eyes, well built; he looks like a Pharaoh that walked straight out of the past.
Warrior: I roll to seduce!
Me: Excuse me?
Warrior: I roll to seduce the handsome Egyptian-Eldritch god.
Me: … I don’t even know why I’m allowing this but okay.
Warrior: *rolls a nat20*
I’m just staring in disbelief at this point, and everyone else is laughing.
Me: Okay, fine. Nyarlethotep pauses and considers, then grabs you and stuffs a tentacle down your throat and into your stomach, placing something, probably an egg of some sort, there before tossing you back down. Congratulations, you are now pregnant with the Dunwich horror. In about a month, it’ll eat through your stomach and probably you before bringing chaos upon the world.
Now its his turn to stare, and I’m just like, “What?”
Cleric(OOC): Wait, what? His character’s a dude!
Me: The forces of chaos care nothing about your insignificant human gender binary.
Polyamorous Problems
“Shit. Did I tell you that already? I can’t remember if I told you or [X].”
The struggle is REAL!
This happens to us all the time!
sleepy girlfriend just said, “What do you know. You’re just a baby. You don’t even know who the queen of England is.”
I’m dying.
Beltainefaerie's Flights of Fancy 