so this has been bouncing around my head for a while and I’m still not sure if this is the best way to phrase it, but…
making opportunities for everyone to explore their gender and orientation means nothing if it’s not safe for people to be wrong about their gender and orientation. otherwise, “exploring your identity” becomes limited to “confirming what you were already pretty sure of,” which isn’t going to do anything for anyone who isn’t already at that stage.
like, time and again i’ve seen people questioning whether they’re allowed to use certain pronouns or labels if they’re still questioning those identities or if they need to wait until they’re more sure of the label. or people being worried that changes in how they identify and the language they use to describe themselves will validate stereotypes.
and this is the result of a culture where choosing an identity label that ends up being wrong is far worse than never exploring your identity in the first place. it’s the same reason people freak out about trans kids, because what if they decide they aren’t trans after all in the future? it’s also why i’ve run into multiple callouts on this site that include things like “10 years ago they called themself a ‘lesbian with an exception’ for a couple of months,” because trying to reconcile old identities with new experiences is seen as a threat.
and in the end, the people this attitude ends up punishing are folks who are targeted by cissexism and/or heterosexism, but are lacking some of the language or the experiences or even the community that would allow them to express how those systems impact them.
Take all the time you need to figure it out. Try different clothes, pronouns, names. Our society doesnt make this easy. Theres nothing wrong with being wrong while you figure it out
and just because you settle on something different later doesnt mean you were ‘wrong’ before
Tag: fluidity
I know a lot of lesbians that used to identify as bi who worried that coming out as a lesbian would contribute to invalidating bisexuality in some way, by making it seem like a “stepping stone” to coming out as gay. I’ve also known bi women who identified as lesbians and changed their labels later, and worried that they were contributing to some kind of idea about how men can ~turn lesbians. I just wanted to say that it’s no individual lesbian or bi women’s responsibility to fix straight people’s perception of us. Like, it’s not your duty to serve as a political symbol! It’s your duty to find happiness even if that means changing ur label at some points.
Thank you! I was really worried about coming out as bi, even after I was married to my husband. I had run gay groups, put on pride events, etc for years. Sexuality can be fluid or one’s understanding of it can deepen.
This pride month here is a reminder of my story: I identified as a lesbian for probably a decade. Even after getting together with my husband I thought he was just a unique individual and somehow genitalia didn’t matter. Turns out I now have the words and deeper understanding of sexuality and gender to articulate that I’m demisexual and at the time I identified as a lesbian I only had deep enough relationships with women to experience sexual attraction to them. Once I formed deeper relationships with men when I was in college, I determined that I was occasionally attracted men, but that pansexual was a better word for my attraction, since a person’s body is something I grow to be attracted to, enjoy, and find pleasure with only after only after the deep spiritual/friendship connection is forged. I had adopted the language of attraction, saying people were hot when I found them aesthetically pleasing, etc, because I thought everyone was exaggerating their “attraction” to celebrities and even people they knew. Now I am poly and actively in relationships with men and women, but I should not serve as a represenation of pansexuality. Many, many pan and bi individuals are successfully monogamous and the “greedy” or “slut” archetype dismisses/hurts a lot of people
❤️shoutout to gay people who used to think they were bi
💛shoutout to bi people who used to think they were gay
💚sexuality is complicated, there’s nothing wrong with taking time to figure yourself out
💙you aren’t “adhering to stereotypes” or anything like that.
💜there is nothing wrong with your identity!
I’m really struggling with my identity right now. I’ve ID’d as asexual for a few years now, and i really like it, but for the last few weeks I’ve started thinking i may be lesbian. I don’t want to play into exclusionists argument that asexual are just confused or whatever, and like i said i really do like IDing as asexual, but for the first time in my life i could actually see myself as having a s/o in the future, idk what to do, i still haven’t told my mom.
If you like IDing as asexual, do.
Aces can have s/o’s, I do.
I’m a bi ace, maybe you are a lesbian ace
That isn’t playing into exclusionists, it’s just figuring out another valid label
i’m an ace man married to a man, nonny. You can HAVE relationship. You can even have sex! It doesn’t mean you can’t be ace.
Popping in to suggest:
https://ace-and-aro-wlw-positivity.tumblr.com/
A blog dedicated to ace and aro people who are wlw in any form or fashion
Sorry this is long I just have so many feelings about this!
Maybe you are homoromantic asexual and want the partnership/cuddles/etc and not the actual sex or maybe you are demisexual and need to feel deeply about a person before sexual feelings develop. Sexuality can be fluid over your lifetime. I assumed I was straight, because compulsory heterosexuality, then thought maybe I was bi because I liked girls. Eventually I realized I wasn’t developing any crushes on guys, so I thought I must be a lesbian and eventually realized that I am more accurately pansexual and demisexual, because I develop love and sexual feelings for people regardless of their sex/gender, but only after I am deeply attached emotionally (and when I was in high school I was only that close to women so of course I identified as a lesbian.) As an adult I found all the words for me. Don’t worry so much about the permanency of a label. Discovering a new facet of yourself doesn’t invalidate what you experienced or understood before.
Also worth noting is that some ace people are sex repulsed and others have sexual feelings in general, but they don’t experience sexual attraction, so they might masturbate rather than enjoy sex with a partner. Still others are fine having sex out of love for their partner and enjoy feelings that I would say are comparable to compersion (they polyamory concept which is the opposite of jealousy basically meaning being happy for your partner’s happiness; in that case it is enjoying their happiness with another partner but I think it is a similar to enjoying experiencing something with your partner that you enjoy their enjoyment of, rather than enjoying or seeking out the experience yourself. Kinda like being willing to watch a movie or TV show you don’t care about just because your partner likes it.)
globglobbit
replied to your post “And I still dunno if I’m still really bi and my preference has swung…”I used to think this like “Hmm I think I’m bi but I’m not really interested in men anymore” turns out I was just gay the entire goddamn time. I think for me it was just like denial + compulsory heterosexuality + feeling like I “can’t afford to be choosy” (ie feeling like no one except men wanted to date me). Not saying that’s necessarily what you’re going through but I thought it might be helpful
¯_(ツ)_/¯
I’m not gonna deny that compulsory heterosexuality is a thing and that it’s part of why I’ve dated so few women. But….I really was attracted to men. Hell, with the recent ex, the first time I saw him I went “whoa, that guy is hot.” I hit on him specifically because I wanted to have sex with him, and I really enjoyed having sex with him.
And that’s what feels so odd to me–having that attraction just up and disappear.
When I came of age sexually I couldn’t understand why anyone would ever want to have sex with someone who wasn’t the same gender as them. Like, how were you even supposed to touch someone’s genitals if they weren’t the same as yours, eeew. I didn’t identify as a lesbian, but honestly I was pretty much exclusively same gender attracted. And then in my late teens and twenties I got increasingly attracted to men. Now that I’m in my thirties I am probably more attracted to women and nonbinary people as a general rule but I remain physically attracted to my husband and every now and again I see a man that makes me think, “hot damn.”
Your attraction to men might come back and it might not. Use whatever labels feel appropriate to you, and date who you’re attracted to.
Yeah, I’m trying to relax about it and not get so hung up on it? I’m queer, I’m mostly into women, that should be enough.
I mean I know why I’m finding it difficult–both that worry that I’m doing the biphobic “pick a side” thing somehow subconsciously*, and that having a huge part of my identity shift on me like that, a part of me that felt intrinsic to how I define myself, just feels strange. Like what other part of how I define myself can change like that? Am I gonna stop liking bicycles? Am I gonna lose interest in fandom stuff? It’s like waking up one day and looking in the mirror and having some distinctive part of your face change, and having to wonder when the hell that happened, or if anyone else has noticed.
(*I do feel a sort of strange relief sometimes and then I’m mad at myself for feeling it, even though I understand why I’m feeling it.)
I identified as bi for years, then thought I was just a lesbian, then met my now husband and I was like ok except for that one. (we were friends for quite awhile before I discovered my attraction to him. surprise I’m actually pan and demisexual and was more likely to be close enough to girls to develop attraction to them). Now we are happily poly and I have partners of more multiple genders. I don’ t get it when people just know their orientation and stay that way forever. Must be cool, but in my experience and that of my partners it isn’t usual unless you are straight.
instead of assuring everyone that it “isn’t a phase”, why don’t we just assure everyone that if it is a phase it’s fine? it’s healthy to figure yourself out? because if we tell everyone it’s not a phase and it ends up being a phase, those people are going to feel guilty, like they stole resources or wasted time. It’s not bad to ‘go through a phase’. It’s a healthy way of finding out who you are. And if it isn’t a phase, that’s fine too. But if it is, there’s no reason to feel bad.
THIS THIS THIS THIS^^^^^^
This is a wonderful point. How about instead of saying “it isn’t a phase” or “it’s a phase” we all agree that is someone tells you they might be gay/bi/trans/pan/queer, you say “great” and leave it to them to figure out their identity without your input. Because no one knows exactly who another person is. Especially if they don’t.
psa: please don’t use the phrase “sexuality is fluid” because not everyone’s sexuality is fluid. instead say “sexuality can be fluid”.
yes! the whole “sexuality is fluid” or “exceptions always exist” or “everybody’s a bit bi” is harmful towards gay people (specifically lesbians) bc then many people will use this reasoning to guilt trip gay people into “just trying the opposite gender” which is Yikes
I think maybe it even undermines bisexuality as a true thing, because if you equate straight people having that one girl crush in high school or whatever with bisexuality, then they also don’t understand why it wasn’t just a phase, a passing fancy or a choice. Like sure I felt like that one time but then I kept dating Steve and now we’re married uwu. See you can choose to ignore it! BLEH.
Beltainefaerie's Flights of Fancy 