why are people such assholes to those who identify as asexuals? so the + that you have been putting in lgbtq is just for show? so if they happen to be cis and het they are no longer part of a minority even though they identify as asexual? so you only accept people who are interested in having sex? so the inclusive community is just fit for those that YOU judge that don’t fit the norm? show some fucking compassion and stop excluding people. ace people are valid and part of the lgbtq+ community.
They have no idea how hard it is to be ace.
How hard it was to grow up ace back when “asexual” only applied to single-celled organisms.
How hard it still is to grow up surrounded by sex everywhere. You have to have sex. You have to want sex. You shouldn’t have sex with anyone but ~the one~ but you’re going to want it anyway.
Sex factors into everything. What you wear. How you look. How you walk. Where you go. Who you hang out with.
Everyone wants it. Of course everyone wants it. Anyone who doesn’t is broken.
Get on The Pill or get T to fix it, because it’s hormones. Get therapy to fix it, because it’s your brain. Get laid with new people to fix it because you just haven’t fucked the right person.
WRONG.
Because aces aren’t broken. Aces are erased. Persecuted. Forgotten. Abused. Coerced. Raped. Forced to take meds and go through therapy and told again and again that this is ~fixable~.
But we’re not broken. We’re just fucking fine as we are, and nobody has any right to say otherwise. Yet we still go through this shit every time Pride rolls around, and I’m sick of it.
Every goddamn thing any queer person with any other letter in the LGBTQ+ alphabet could go through, we go through, too.
You’re goddamn right we’re part of the community, no matter what other shit you think “disqualifies” us.
In fact, protip: If you’re gatekeeping any fellow self-declared queers, saying they don’t deserve to be part of the community, you’re being an asshole.
I’m honestly really curious to see how many people actually accept it. Because there are allot of people who don’t believe it’s real. Or at the least don’t accept it when somebody they know come out as asexual.
Since telling my Mum that I considered myself ace, I already noticed that she was a bit… too interested, if you want to say it like that. Asking for “signs”, or how being ace feels like… I tried to answer her to the best of my ability, giving her links to websites that would explain better as I ever could.
Today she said, very quietly, “Do you think I could be ace, too?”
And I said very carefully “If you think it suits you, I don’t see why not”
And my Mum, my strong, self-confident Mum, who never once has ever felt uncomfortable in her own skin as far as I know, beamed in relief. Relief.
Because she never knew. Because getting married young and bearing children for her husband (meaning sex) was expected of her. Because everyone gave her the feeling as if something would be wrong or broken about her if she didn’t want, didn’t do that.
Because her whole life long, she thought there was something wrong with her.
I’m honestly torn between feeling happy and relieved for her, and angry that humanity has such trouble with showing some understanding to those who don’t fit in the boxes society has designed for all of us.
Update: My
Mum was getting ready for bed when I noticed her humming loudly around her
toothbrush and I asked her what the good mood was about.
She beamed
around a mouth-full of toothpaste and said, very proudly and deliberately, “I
think I like that, being ace.”
And continued
on with her brushing, humming a bit louder.
(Or in
other words, I’m more than a little bit teary eyed.)
I had almost the exact same conversation with my Mom. We were talking about the LGBT acronym and explained that it’s LGBTQ and that some people add the PIA at the end as well. And she asked me “What’s the a?” So when I explained it she said immediately “Me. That’s like me.”
This is why I get so mad at people who think this is all just trendy bs, people just don’t have the vocabulary or permission to describe their lived experience.
A little louder people just don’t have the vocabulary or permission to describe their lived experience.
TO MY LGBTQIA+ PEEPS! Besties Make Movies and the awesome @marzapproved are making a movie about asexuality representation!
There’s this AMAZING film, 2 WEEKS, that needs your help getting funded. It’s a haunting film set in the entertainment world, and loosely based on Marzy’s own experiences of discovering her asexuality, the isolation and the othering she feels as an asexual. It’s haunting film, a la Get Out, designed to spark conversation, and the kind of film that will empower asexuals who are feeling the same way, using all races and genders to shape the story and world of the film.
2 WEEKS accompanies Tanya, a 20-something, asexual. She is struggling to find a balance between honoring her sexuality, the commitment she made when she fell in love with her partner, and pursuing a career in an industry that perpetuates women’s worth based on sex appeal. With has no place to escape, Tanya starts to drown. While Tanya’s immediate circle is woke to sexual empowerment, her friends cannot relate to a person who is comfortable living without sex. In 2 WEEKS we see Tanya arrive at her second coming out.
THERE ARE OTHER WAYS TO DONATE AND GET INVOLVED
The film also has a WISHLIST of items that can be fulfilled if you aren’t able to donate money.
So be sure to check it out and help out however you can. This is such an important project, the kind of representation we all need and deserve.
I just read this super sad post about this girl who’s asexual and married and everyone is basically telling her that she doesn’t deserve her husband/she’s just a prude/she should just do it anyway.
So I want to tell you all right now that if people tell you this, or if they tell you you’ll never have a relationship, it is BULLSHIT.
My husband is asexual and I’m not. He’s sex repulsed, we don’t have sex, we never have.
And it doesn’t matter to me. You know what does? He does. His mental health and wellbeing matter to me. Because he is my best friend and he’s one of the smartest, kindest, funniest people I’ve ever met. And he’s had people tel him that he’s broken and it makes me SO ANGRY because they are WRONG.
Being different doesnt mean you’re broken.
If you don’t like sex/don’t want it/etc. Do not let anyone tell you that you’re inferior because you’re not.
Do not let anyone convice you that you’ll never have a relationship because they’re wrong(if you want one).
You are not broken, and it will be okay.
This made me feel really good. Remember this, for all my ace spectrum friends out there
I hope you don’t mind me reblogging your tags but these are my feelings EXACTLY
I’m always a little nervous that I’m not “good enough” for a “real relationship” because sex isn’t on the table. So yeah, these stories are reassuring
The amount of pressure from society to have sex is incredible. We’re told it’s linked to relationship health and if you’re not willing to do every damn thing you’re labeled a prude. It’s incredibly disheartening, especially considering how one’s libido can change over the years even if you’re not ace. Nice to see a supportive piece from a partner.
OK, kids, buckle up it’s story time.
When I got married, I hadn’t had sex yet. Waiting until marriage was important to me, so that’s what I did. My wedding night was the first time I had sex.
It sucked.
I figured, ok, this is new for both of us, it’s probably going to take some practice.
A year later? It still sucked We tried a lot of different stuff. A lot of different stuff.
It sucked so bad, we even bought a copy of “Sex for Dummies”.
(it didn’t help)
I started working late so I didn’t go to bed at the same time as my husband. Every time he would travel for work, I’d be grateful that I didn’t have to go through the awkwardness of avoiding his advances when I went to bed.
He didn’t think it was healthy for a newlywed couple to have sex less than once a week. So we scheduled it. Repeat, scheduled intimacy. I thought I was putting on a brave face and doing what I needed to do to maintain a good relationship.
Because I had no idea that asexuality was a thing.
I talked to my husband, told him I didn’t like sex. He didn’t understand. I lost track of how many times I said: “It’s not that I don’t want to have sex with you. I don’t want to have sex with anyone.”
So it was established, Amber doesn’t like sex.
But we still did it. Because I wanted my husband to be happy. Sometimes halfway through, I’d start crying.
And he’d always be supportive, and apologize.
After he finished.
So when I found out about asexuality, and told him how I felt, he suggested I go to a doctor. Because obviously there was something wrong with me.
So I went to a doctor.
(surprise, surprise, I’m perfectly healthy)
Then I told my mom. When she suggested meds to improve my sex drive, I broke down in tears. I told her there was nothing wrong with me. And my mom has been 100% supportive of my orientation ever since. When people ask if I’m a lesbian, she teaches them about asexuality.
But anyway back to my journey of self-discovery
So I tell my husband, I’m asexual, I don’t want to have sex. You are not asexual, you do want to have sex. One of us is going to be miserable in this relationship, and I’m tired of it being me. I love you too much to make you miserable for the rest of your life, but I love myself too much to be miserable for the rest of my life. We might have to face the fact that we’re not right for each other.
So his immediate response is “no, I can change, I’ll do anything, divorce is not an option, etc”
But I can’t exactly ask him to stop wanting to have sex. Because that’s not how allosexual people work. And he can’t seduce me into wanting to have sex, because that’s not how asexual people work.
Anyway. He cries, I cry, we decide on marriage counseling to help our comunication.
Because we’d been married for almost 6 years by this point, and had been together for 3 years before that, and we still can’t really talk about what we want (or don’t want) in regards to sex.
So we go to counselling for 6 weeks. The first 3 sessions individually, and the last 3 together. During the together sessions, the therapist would prompt us with a question, and we’d talk to each other, being completely honest about things.
During (what turned out to be) our last session, I’d finally had enough. I’d had enough of being embarrassed about what anyone else would think. Enough of the gender roles I was being forced into. Enough of paying someone to watch me talk to my husband. Enough of pretending to salvage a relationship that I had been increasingly avoiding over the past 2 years, and I said:
“Josh, I love you. We have communication problems, but we’ve been together almost ten years and I’m willing to work through those if you think we can make it work. But I am never having sex with you again.”
(At this point, the therapist who’d been trying to get us to communicate put down her notebook and said, ok I think we’re done.)
Then and only then, did he agree to file for divorce.
—————–
I say all that to say this:
Don’t you dare fucking tell me that asexual representation doesn’t matter. I would have six years of my life back if I had known.
And if you’re in a relationship, talk to each other oh my God. About everything. What dream you had last night. That song from scout camp that randomly gets stuck in your head. The reason you don’t like sweet potato. That embarrassing thing you did in third grade that still makes you mad when you think about it. If you and your partner can share these tiny, intimate details, talking about sex is no big deal. And it takes practice, so practice.
————–
On a happy note, now, 3 years after the divorce, I am in a happy, stable relationship with another ace. And if you happen to ask my mom how I’m doing, she’ll tell you “I’ve never seen my baby girl happier.”
It gets better. But it’s up to you to make it that way.
@theonetheonlyjordanelizabeth please read this ❤️ I may be sex repulsed but I know that I love you and thats what matters ✨
I know this is already really long and really informative, but I also wanted to add a partner’s perspective. I too, have an ace fiancee. I knew about it before our relationship. I didn’t know it was a thing until I met her, and that was huge to me because I learned something new and also came to understand an old friend a little better.
I, on the other hand, am not ace. I am at the complete opposite end of the spectrum. I am pansexual, and she has a hard time I think coming to terms with the fact that I don’t want to make her have sex.
Like, ‘Really?’ you might ask me. Like really is my only reply. I have loved her for a long time now, and being we met over Tumblr and we knew one another before the relationship, sex isn’t a big deal in our relationship. and I can think of at least ten of my friends who would feel the same way right now.
ASEXUALITY IS A REAL THING, LOVING, SWEET ACE RELATIONSHIPS ARE REAL! Just because your partner wants sex doesn’t make you broken. Just because you don’t want sex doesn’t mean you should have to force yourself to do so.
Just be honest with one another, love one another. If a relationship can’t survive a healthy, honest conversation, then it wasn’t a very strong relationship to begin with.
TL;DR People who can’t see past sex as a ‘core’ in a relationship with someone ace/sex repulsed is an asshole.
I see a lot of people on this site bending what Asexuality means so that it can benefit their toxic agenda, but I’ve also noticed that people who are sucked into that agenda often have zero clue what Asexuality actually is besides what they see on tumblr. So, mark your calendar folks because this is the day we set it straight. By the new year we will all have our eyes open on the word Asexuality.
I will first get into the history of the term asexuality (in terms of sexuality) and then I’ll get into it’s proper and improper uses/definitions often seen on the internet. I’ve made a post before about AVEN and it’s intense battle for the rights to the word asexual before (in response to another post from a well known aphobe) and I’ll sorta just be restating the same things here.
The 2000’s era was pretty big for asexual people as there were finally communities for them to talk about their experiences and find other people just like them. These communities, The Official Asexual Society and AVEN (Asexual Visibility and Education Network), while both working to bring visibility to asexual people, had some VERY different takes on what it meant to be Asexual. Many people do not know this, but the asexual community has had its own internal turmoil (even now as we speak). The Official Asexual Society argued that to be asexual one had to have an aversion to sex (anti-sexual is the term) and have no libido (nonlibidoist is the term), and thus heavily screened people to grant them membership to the community. AVEN argued that asexuality was simply the lack of sexual attraction and allowed all people of all varying degrees of asexuality within the community. As you can imagine, since they both used the word Asexuality for their conflicting websites, a battle of ‘So what is the truth’ struck up between these two communities. The Official Asexual Society claimed that real asexuals don’t have or want sex, and real asexuals have no urge to have sex (rhetoric that I’m sure many asexual people have seen even now within our own communities). The Official Asexual Society thus became a haven for asexual elitist that refused to acknowledge asexuals who weren’t like them. This drew away a lot of people looking for a place to be comfortable with their sexuality. So they went to AVEN instead. Because AVEN was inclusive to asexual people of all kinds, those deterred by The Official Asexual Society went to AVEN instead, thus building AVEN’s asexual population faster and greater than The Official Asexual Society. And because The Official Asexual Society didn’t get as much outreach as it did before, it gradually crumbled to renaming itself The Official Nonlibidoist Society, to eventually collapsing completely. The people themselves had spoken on what the definition of asexuality was and “The lack of sexual attraction to any gender” won. Source
All that being said, I will take no slander on how because the definition changed, asexuality has no real definition. The definition of the word ‘Democrat’ changed but nobody debates on what a democrat is. The popular definition of the word ‘Pure’ changed but nobody debates on what pure means. Definitions to words fucking change all the time. That’s why linguistics is a thing people study.
Now let’s get into the proper and improper uses/definitions of the word asexuality.
Since asexuality is defined as “The lack of sexual attraction to any gender” Then asexuality can’t be defined as:
uwu No Sex (yes that is shade). Asexual people should be able to state that they are sex repulsed and they don’t have sex without someone suddenly claiming that to be the definition of asexuality. Asexual people can have sex (one reason being to have a child). To say that Asexuality means ‘no sex’ would be ignoring the fact that there are many people who don’t have sex who are heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual and etc. Are those people suddenly asexual? The answer is no, they are as they identify themselves to be.
Celibacy. Celibacy is a choice whereas Asexuality is not a choice (I will keep saying that until people listen).
TMI (too much information). I see this argument a lot where people will say ‘Only your partner should know your asexual’. And I have a few problems with this. When dating (you know that thing people do to find a partner) the conversation about sex will come up (unless you are dating within celibate and asexual circles). In those circumstances should we not mention our asexuality? And within a circle of new friends when someone asks ‘Hey, what’s everyone’s sexuality’ should we just not say anything? Stating you are asexual has NOTHING to do with your sexual activities. Read again: NOTHING. You see people who think asexuality is TMI, look at it as a modifier for other sexualities and not a sexuality. But asexuality can not be a modifier, which I’ll get into…
Here. A modifier. Since asexuality is defined as ‘The lack of sexual attraction to any gender’ then it can not function as a modifier for another sexuality that describes sexual attraction to a gender. It is not possible. Asexual people can, however, identify as homoromantic, heteroromantic, biromantic, panromantic, and etc. and thus can call themselves an ace lesbian, or a bi ace, or pan ace or het ace. But not all asexual people use the SAM to identify themselves. So if asexuality is a modifier for other sexualities, what about people who are aroace? What’s it modifying then?
Practically Straight. This one is typically in response to heteroromantic aces, but I’ve seen it in reference to all aces. Let’s make this clear right now, you can not be a straight asexual person. A straight person is a person who is sexually attracted to the opposite binary gender and pursues romantic relationships with people of the opposite binary gender. Because asexuality is defined as (and I repeat) the lack of sexual attraction to any gender, they literally can’t be sexually attracted to the opposite binary gender. Stop trying to redefine the word straight to benefit your aphobe agenda.
Since asexuality is defined as “The lack of sexual attraction to any gender” Then asexuality can be defined as:
The lack of sexual attraction to any gender. That’s literally it. And this definition includes (but is not limited to)
Demisexual people
Grey Aces
Aroaces
Heteroromantic Aces
Homoromantic Aces
Biromantic Aces
Panromantic Aces
Sex Repulsed Aces
Sex Neutral Aces
Sex Positive Aces
Kinky Aces (yes they exist)
Cisgender Aces
Transgender Aces
Intersex Aces
Autistic Aces
Aces with no sex drive
Aces with a normal sex drive
Aces with a high sex drive
Aces who have been through the trauma of sexual assault
White people who are aces
POC who are aces
Ace Women
Ace Men
I hope that someone out there learned something today. And if you didn’t and you are still gonna misuse the word asexuality, I can’t help you at this point. Happy New Years Eve. I hope that everyone has a good 2018. Let’s start off right.
*I went back and edited the bullet point on straightness just a tad
A blog dedicated to ace and aro people who are wlw in any form or fashion
Sorry this is long I just have so many feelings about this!
Maybe you are homoromantic asexual and want the partnership/cuddles/etc and not the actual sex or maybe you are demisexual and need to feel deeply about a person before sexual feelings develop. Sexuality can be fluid over your lifetime. I assumed I was straight, because compulsory heterosexuality, then thought maybe I was bi because I liked girls. Eventually I realized I wasn’t developing any crushes on guys, so I thought I must be a lesbian and eventually realized that I am more accurately pansexual and demisexual, because I develop love and sexual feelings for people regardless of their sex/gender, but only after I am deeply attached emotionally (and when I was in high school I was only that close to women so of course I identified as a lesbian.) As an adult I found all the words for me. Don’t worry so much about the permanency of a label. Discovering a new facet of yourself doesn’t invalidate what you experienced or understood before.
Also worth noting is that some ace people are sex repulsed and others have sexual feelings in general, but they don’t experience sexual attraction, so they might masturbate rather than enjoy sex with a partner. Still others are fine having sex out of love for their partner and enjoy feelings that I would say are comparable to compersion (they polyamory concept which is the opposite of jealousy basically meaning being happy for your partner’s happiness; in that case it is enjoying their happiness with another partner but I think it is a similar to enjoying experiencing something with your partner that you enjoy their enjoyment of, rather than enjoying or seeking out the experience yourself. Kinda like being willing to watch a movie or TV show you don’t care about just because your partner likes it.)
I saw a lot of posts about this here and on other social networks and there is so much hate towards asexuals (especially from inside the LGBT community), that I really need to get this off my chest.
My girlfriend is ace, I´m an average lesbian with an average sexual desire. And you know what? I´m totally fine with that.
We have a realtionship like everybody else, except we don´t have sex. We cuddle, go to the movies, go on trips together, laugh a lot, game, hold hands, kiss, everything. In short – we´re happy.
And then there are people. I even consider some of them my friends and they know about all of that and even though, I constantly get comments like
“Don´t you miss that?”
“You should finally make a move.”
“Time you get laid again.”
“Maybe you should get yourself a ‘normal’ girl.”
“Oh god, I couldn´t live like that. I´m sorry for you.”
Yes, that are actual quotes from actual people. And yes – those words hurt! Because you are lowkey implying, that I can´t be happy in a relationship without sex and at the same time, you blame my girlfriend for that, even though I just told you, that we´re happy.
Her body wasn´t the reason I picked her.
I picked her, because she makes me smile, when I feel down. I picked her because of those beautiful sparkles in her eyes. I picked her because of her endless fangirling and Elder Scrolls obsession, her love for space and stars, because of the way she snuggles into my arms at night, because she is so damn perfect to me.
Why would I expect her to change who she is? How could I pressure her into doing something she isn´t comfortable with? I knew she was ace and I knew what I got myself into and it doesn´t bother me. I love her and I want her to be happy and for her to be able to always feel safe with me. That´s what counts.
My girl and me had a lot of talks on that topic. She was scared and she cried a lot and she had a lot of things on her mind because of that. I felt bad because of that. I felt bad, because she thought, she´d eventually have to have sex in order to be part of a healthy relationship. That´s what society tells us everyday – that sex is an important part of a relationship. It´s like a constant pressure on everybody, but I think it´s the worst for asexuals.
Seriously, there´s sex without love, why can´t there be love without sex?
They´re constantly told, that there´s something wrong with them. Everyone tells them, that they´re too young or they should try it or haven´t found the right person yet. It even is considered a mental disease!!
Wait a second? Does that sound familiar?
Yeah, right! How do you know you like girls, if you never had a boy? Or the other way round? Maybe you try being straight first? How about you finally decide, if you like boys or girls, rather than being half straight and half gay. Did those things hurt you, when you heard them? I sure heard them and yeah, they hurt.
In the end, we all want to be accepted and loved.
How can you love someone, when you can´t even love yourself, because of all the negativity that is stuck in your head. All the insults, the pressure, the intolerance.People kill themselves because of that! How can you do that?
How can you expect to be accepted, if you don´t accept others, if you constantly need to show others how much better you are. You want to be respected, show some respect first! It´s not that hard.
Don´t call someone a fag, just because he´s gay. Don´t call the girl over there a lesbian, because she has short hair. Let the trans people pee in peace. Don´t act superior, only because you´re straight. Don´t blame black people for your shit. This list could go on for pages.
We´re all the same. We´re all humans.
The world would be such a better place, if everyone started to behave like an average human being, stop being so goddamn fixed on labels and decide to be less horrible to each other.
I accept and respect my ace girlfriend. I don´t care about the sexual side, even though I miss that sometimes, but there are so many things that can be way more intimate than sex.
A relationship is based on love and trust and supporting each other, not on what goes down in the bedroom. You should remember that the next time, you make a comment on someones lifestyle, decision, orientation or anything else.
Beltainefaerie's Flights of Fancy 